I climb into bed with her somewhere around midnight because when we moved into this already furnished house we didn't realize we were giving her the most comfortable bed in the house. My lower back and legs ache and I've moved between bed, couch and floor till I'm weary of trying to sleep.
She stirs and stretches her limbs long on the quilt-top and under a zoo of stuffed animals. I catch a whiff of her blond curls and my chest aches. I breathe in the scent until another molecule of air can't squeeze into my lungs, desperate to take it all in. It's that all to familiar feeling these days. I hear it from everyone about how these moments will flee all to fast and I wonder if my own mama knew it.
Sometimes it feels like God is throwing up cosmic billboards so that you can get His message.
I tried my best to come up with a witty list of interesting things about me to go along with my 30th Birthday {Some ways to send Birthday wishes to me at the end of this post so read on!}, but all I could think about is the way I am feeling wooed away from the whirring of busyness in all the cracks and crevices of my life and into a place of quiet rest and re-envisioning life. I'm feeling wooed by the rhythm of making a home, curating a life to the slow pace of intentionality and Jesus following.
The other day Millie kept saying to me “Mama, please, come back.” I gazed down at her perplexed. I spend nearly every waking hour with this tiny human most of which is one on one all up in my face interaction. The only thing that I could guess is that she had a bad dream that had planted a seed of worry in her heart. But her words haunted me in the worst sort of way. I want to be present to my life in every way.
To be honest it feels a bit strange that her words would bother me because on the outside I’m not someone who bounces from meeting to meeting and has a crazy list of must-dos. My daily life is not packed to the gills with places to be and people to see. I am intentional, but the road to busyness is paved with good intentions and I think that my day to day can be refined for maximum joy.
My inner life feels cluttered and stretched and I can see how it is stealing from me instead of giving to me.
Because at the end of the day is all of my doing really getting me where I want to go?
What I’ve slowly recognized is a tendency to float along hoping the things rooted deep in my heart will happen on their own. I’ve found that those things don’t happen on their own {duh}, at least not in the way that I want them to, and as the list of would’ve, could’ve, should’ves mounts so does my anxiety as I drown beneath my list of unfinished projects, unfulfilled hopes and wasted time.
I’ve spent time over the last few weeks mulling over my commitments and what I believe God is calling me to focus on in this season of my life. I’ve detected a few recurring priorities:
- Pursuing God with intensity and passion.
- Purposefully investing in my marriage.
- Focusing my time and attention as a mother so I don't miss a thing.
- Nurturing and creating a home that reflects my family’s values, mission and personality.
- Managing my time well.
- Doing quality work for those I’ve already committed my talents and skills to.
- Intentionally building community with other women.
- Integrating service to others into the natural flow of my daily life.
- Taking care of myself through good health habits; mind, body and spirit.
- Refining and pursuing the gift of writing that God has given me.
- Consciously limiting my commitments to what is already on my plate.
It’s as simple as that.
I’m taking a blog break. Don’t worry it's just for the summer and I’ll still have things to share here in this space. For the month of June I’ll be sharing {with my friend Heidi joining in} about the story God is writing on my heart about truly embracing rest.
I’m also going to make a point to use this space over the summer months to tell others stories. I love to hear from my readers and would love to share a story or two from your life in this space.
ATTENTION READERS: I WANT YOUR STORY!
Are you adopting? Do you have a special needs kiddo who has turned your life upside down and rearranged your heart? Are you struggling with infertility? Are you a young single woman setting out on an adventure of ruthless trust in Jesus? Have you battled fear, loss, disease and found your way to more deeply knowing Jesus than you ever imagined? Are you walking a path few have cleared before you and you’re uncertain where it is going? Yeah, me too.
I want your story to fill the space between these online walls while I take a rest. Send me an email at handmedowngrace(at)gmail(dot)com
I’m not breaking up with social media so look for signs of life on my Facebook page and on the twitter. Following me on FB and twitter will allow you to join me as I share archived posts that are still ringing true in my heart. I’ll also be curating life through instagram so please join me this summer as I snap shots of what it looks like to find rest in the messy middle of my everyday.
One of the things I’ll be finding my way back to is writing for the sake of writing. I’m a writer not a blogger at heart. In the blog world of write now, publish now I need to sit back and mull over some words before I share them. I plan to pick back up my online pen in September (or sooner if the words find their way here).
I was telling my husband the other day that I fumble over my words when someone tells me how much my writing means to them face to face. I don’t know where to look and I get all nervous. I’m humbled right down to the earth that ya’ll read my scribbles and love me still. I hope that you’ll stick with me as God continues to write my story even in the stillness.
It’s a scary leap to disregard the million of things that the publishing world tells you to do in order to get to where you want to go. What I think I’m learning is that I’m going to get to where God wants me to go by drawing close to Him.
Want to wish me a "Happy Birthday"?
Read on...
I have a sweet young mama friend who is battling cancer with a bleak prognosis. Ya'll this woman has a huge heart and even bigger faith and it is amazing to see so many coming around her family to love on them and cheer them on in the fight. She's a mama of two wee ones like so many of us. Do something amazing for her family and for my heart, and go over the the Team Rachel Facebook page and leave a prayer or encouraging word. That would make my Birthday VERY Happy.
You could also head on over to the Mercy House Kenya Shop and pick up something pretty for yourself. It is no secret how much I adore the ministry that is happening through Mercy House. Go be a small part of it and grab a piece of beauty from their shop.
Now it's time for cake. {Chocolate of course}
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