What I'm So Afraid Of

This week we've been getting up close and personal with the things that frighten us most over in the Velvet Ashes community. Today we take a real leap and take off the mask of being just fine.

We aren't the only one's doing it.

A few weeks ago Glennon Melton of Momastery asked a few well-known writers/faces to be real about what they fear the most. The result was a series entitled "Sacred Scared". We're doing something similar over in The Grove at Velvet Ashes and we invite you to do the same. So here is me make-up-less and as real as it gets.

"I'm afraid that I'll always fail at everything I do because I'm just not good enough."

There are a few things in my life that I am super proud of. Things that I worked hard at and accomplished with great effort. But for every one thing that I have accomplished there are a dozen things that I've avoided because I thought I wasn't good enough, smart enough, creative enough, {insert other adjective enough} and I was convinced that I shouldn't try for fear of failure.

I still do that. If it seems too hard you probably won't find Jess working at it because she's already counted herself out. If it seems impossible then I've probably already done everything to make that self-fulfilling prophesy come true. 

I am terrified of failure. 

This carries over into every area of my life.

Motherhood? Yeah, I'm constantly thinking that I am failing and that I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Most days I spend it pretty convinced of that fact.

Writing? I've convinced myself over and over again that anything I have to say can and will be said better by someone else. I shrink away from the challenge of writing things that are significant because I'm afraid that I am undeniably insignificant.

For some risk is a challenge met with hard work and determination. My only determination in life has been to avoid the risk of failure. If I don't try I can't fail.

I know all the Sunday School answers and all the bumper sticker parts of Scripture to slap on this struggle, but it is something I come back to again and again. It holds me back. It has paralyzed me in many ways and relationships.

I have a real problem with that voice in my head that tells me that I am not worthy of good things. The voice in my head likes to make me think that I am only worthy of failure and the broken bits of life. It makes me think that I will lose or fail at anything I put my hands too. 

I recognize this, but it continues to be a very real struggle.

I don't know if it ever won't be. I just know that I have to start trying and that I'm going to have to try scared if I am going to try at all.