It happened about three weeks before we left for the field. My husband and I were lying in bed chatting about the day's events. I casually rolled over and unexpectedly felt a pop around my collarbone. For a moment I thought I had dislocated something and I was terrified to move.
My fingers moved along the ridge of my upper chest, shoulders and neck only to find a protrusion underneath my collarbone. I looked in the mirror to see a very visible lump. A very visible, unexplainable lump.
My heart pounded. My hands and fingers went numb. My mind raced. After some coaxing from my husband I got back in bed. Stiff as a board I lay there until I simply could no longer stand it.
I went into the den of my grandmother's house where we were visiting and proceeded to search the all knowing WebMD.
My husband knows that for me anything to do with my health is a trigger for fear and anxiety. I've now been banned from WebMD for this reason.
A few days later I told my husband that I had to go see a doctor. The lump was still there and with time waning before our big move to West Africa I had to get a clear assessment of the matter. I was a crying, anxious, full of doubt mess as we walked into the local urgent care. X-rays, blood work and an exam later we left the building with the knowledge that it was an infected lymph node and nothing to worry about.
I breathed easier, but something more than a lymph node had come to the surface as a result of the scare. My fears about the lump went far deeper than simply a worry about my health.
That bout with fear had me doubting God's plans and His goodness. Fear is never as simple as a casual worry. Fear digs it's roots deep into our souls.
I'm over at Velvet Ashes today with the rest of the story. I'd love for you to come and read.
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