Day 13: Handing Down Fear

We were living in West Africa when we found out we were pregnant with our daughter. After nearly 6 years child-less we find out we're having a baby in the bush of Liberia. We suspected that I might be pregnant, but it took my husband riding a motorbike into town to buy 2 pregnancy tests (for a whopping total of 65 cents) to confirm our suspicions. My husband tells me that he knew from the beginning, but even though I am a birth doula and had every symptom in the book I was in a bit of denial. Not because I didn't want to be pregnant, but because I couldn't see into the future. There were so many unknowns and now a baby on the way...again, cue the fear.

I want more than fear for my daughter. I knew from the moment that I knew she was growing beneath my heart that I didn't want her to be fearful. The premise of my blog is about the way that we hand down the intangibles to those we love, particularly our children. We are always giving something to those we love; good or bad. The question we have to ask ourselves is,"Are those "somethings" filled with grace or something else?"  We can hand down addictions, vanity, selfishness, and yes, we can hand down fear. 

My transition to motherhood has come with a wide range of emotions. I've had to struggle with being a motherless daughter and figuring out how to mother a daughter. That's enough to create a lump in any new mama's throat. I've had to figure out how to balance mothering, marriage, and the other dreams in my heart which comes with the inevitable insecurities and question of, am I doing this right? I look into my little beauties face and I have repeat to my fearful heart day after day that she belongs not to me, but to God. I'm only responsible to be faithful to Him as I love and parent her. What that means is that I have to rest in His provision and protection. No anxiety when she bumps her head or runs a fever.

AGAIN, cue the fear. 

I fight fear because I want my daughter to see a portrait of grace and trust in my life. If my daughter struggles with fear I don't want it to be because she saw it modeled in her mother.

Tomorrow: Day 14: Motherhood and Fear