On Productivity, Thrift Store Finds and Choosing the Fearful Path

I've had a string of days where I can't seem to get my feet under me. I stare at the page(s) of my "to do" and see only the things that I haven't marked off. The things that have been sticking to the page without coming off for way longer than I would like. It is January and while every blogger and their brother are jibber jabbering about productivity and goal setting and accomplishing much this year I can't seem to get traction. I keep adding to the list instead of marking anything off and I can feel the shoulders tensing and the heart thudding out discouragement.

Am I the only one? Can't be.

On just another relentlessly unproductive day the wee one and I escape to a local thrift store. The one with the good deals and rickety shopping carts. The one that can account for most of the knickknacks, clothing and random items of interest that we have purchased in the last year. We peruse aisles of second hand finds and among the housewares I find a lonesome out of place book entitled, Simple Abundance. Yes, I need that. I need to do more with less. More productivity with less worry and care about the darned to do list that haunts my every move. I snaggle the book for a steal and cart it home only to open it's pages and read a quote from Zora Neale Hurston, "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." Yes. Yes! This past year has been question, after question, after question about when, where, how...The answers not coming just more and more questions about the things that God does in secret.The evidence of things hoped for, but the reality that those things just aren't seen yet. My eyes are aching from the strain to see. The title of the next page is "Letting Go of Limiting Illusions". This ache to control is simply illusion, to steer our ship in a particular direction prematurely and without God's gently guiding hand. It feels strong right now. The way fear can grip when desperation sets in. My angst over my level of productivity, or lack thereof,  indicates that I think I can control some of the uncertainty of life.

I want this year to be a year of answers. A productive year of answers. Pen that to the top of my list.

I find myself falling on the hope that this year might be an ending and beginning all wrapped up in one for my little family. I christened this Year 2 of being fearless. It just seemed right as I stare down a gauntlet of uncertainty. 3 weeks into the year and I'm already seeing how intuitive that move was. If you dare to be fearless prepare to have your threshold for living on the cliff's edge tested. We finagle our budget and test the limits to see if we can make it income-less for a few months while we rely on the kindness of friends and family to fill in the gaps we need to be able to serve freely. It feels a little like jumping without a parachute.

This is the kicker. I can't imagine living life any other way. We could stay safely on the sidelines always doing the sensible thing. We could live life between the lines and build up our 401K and settle comfortably into life. Nothing the matter with those things, but for us, for my little family of three which includes a wild dreaming wandering heart husband and a baby girl who I pray will dare to love big and live fearless it just doesn't fit. We've tried it this way. We've tried life on the safe side. It feels heavy, it feels like chains around our neck tying us to things we don't want or need.

Are we the only ones? Can't be.

I would rather be afraid every day of the bottom falling out from under us, but trust fearlessly that God will provide {because He will} than live in relative safety never daring to do anything big for the Gospel. My to do list will never ever be done. My most productive days will only get me so far in this journey. One thousand free printable lists for a more organized life will only create a false sense of safety if I am not relying on a God who is shaping and crafting my future for my good and His glory. This life can't be organized into safe lists and we can't quantify the outcome of life lived on the edge of faith.

I'm ready to see what this journey looks like from the other side of faith. The part that we get after walking through the mucky ugly stuff. The part where we turn around and see how far God has brought us and though we know how far we have to go we get the boost we need to keep walking forward into the unknown. I pray for more answers than questions this year. I don't rely on that fact because if more questions come we will have to keep plodding and praying and hoping in a God who puts random books in the houseware section of the local thrift store. Amazing the things you can find in a thrift store...the gems you can mine from a life lived unproductively with ears wide open to Amazing Grace.