Just over a month from now I will hop a plane with a babe in tow. It is no secret that I hate to fly. Yes, even though I've criss-crossed the ocean and lived in the middle of nowhere West Africa I still hate to fly. I'm a living contradiction on so many levels.
That isn't the thing I'm ashamed about though.
The part that has me biting the edge of my lip and scanning the internet for a new pair of {ahem, cheap} flats is the part where I sit in a room full of 400+ women with {what I think are} better clothes, computers, phones, parenting philosophies, prayer lives, writing skills...you name it and I've probably thought that someone else had better.
I've made like one thing that I've pinned on pinterest. Nuf' said.
I preach it to myself every. single. day.
"Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5-6
What I have...What I am...What you have...What you are...it is ENOUGH. He is ENOUGH.
But put me in a room with
I write this because I want freedom. I want accountability.
I want all you ladies that will meet me, smile at me, coo at my daughter, comment on her big brown eyes, ask me about my blog, hug me tight at the end, to know that I'm probably comparing myself to you.
The thing is and this is where I hope we can both be real and brutally honest. You're probably thinking the same thing about me. Those boots that you're going to wish you could snatch from my suitcase when I'm not looking...I got them at Target. Fancy, I know. My blog? I did it myself- and learned over here. I don't know if it helps, but I'll let you in. I don't want to seem like a secret or as if I am privy to something that no one else is. Why? Because I believe this with all my heart- we are all in this together.
We are all writing our individual stories, but they are God-sized stories if we let each other in. Holing ourselves up because we don't think we're good enough limits our reach. Our reach is only as far as we are willing to spread our arms {and the little we have} out toward another person. I won't say that it doesn't matter what shoes you wear or how creative you are. It does matter because all of that is story and beauty and if we are grace-givers than we can give that out to one another during our time together. If we give grace and if our very lives are grace than your lovely blog, my lovely words and her new e-book belong to all of us.
We are in this together.
We start from scratch and each piece is grace.
Thanks for being a piece in the story.
I can't wait to meet you- make sure to let me know just where you got those shoes.
Great post...I have been to Allume {Relevant} twice and felt the exact same way both times. It was a wonderful experience, but difficult also. This year I am a session speaker and I feel even more inadequate, seeing my name amongst others I compare myself too and wonder how in the world I got on that list. Then I remind myself that God is in charge of it all and for some crazy reason He wants me there. I still don't get it, but know that in some way we all struggle with what you've written about.
ReplyDeletePS-I got my boots at Target too. And most other things. ;-)
Carisa, I'm so blessed that you stopped by. I wrote this because I know I'm not alone. I read this and prayed for you as you battle the inevitable insecurities of speaking. I'm sure you will be brilliant! Thanks for the encouragement and I truly can't wait to hear! Also, why would we get shoes anywhere other than Target? Cute, affordable, yes, please!
ReplyDeleteOh Jessica, I'm so glad I met you tonight and I can't wait to meet you at Allume and yes, I'll love your boots because well, Target rocks. Thanks for your honest heart. It's something we, as women, all tend to struggle with and there's so much freedom in living out our fears and insecurities with each other where God fills in the cracks. P.S. I got my boots online because I have ginormous calves and I can't buy mine at Target, just F.Y.I
ReplyDeleteJessica, I am so excited to meet you and you know what I will wish could come home with me? That sweet little baby because mine are all big now and don't fit on my lap. Plus they're never home long enough to even try to sit on my lap!
ReplyDeleteI will be sitting right along with you thinking those same thoughts and I know that in the end it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what we wear or have or do. What will matter is seeing these beautiful women that we've only seen on a screen in real life and looking into their beautiful eyes and finding a friend and fellow traveler.
Oh...and you don't have to worry about your Target boots...I have my own pair! ;)
Mindy @ New Equus - A New Creation
Jessica, This will be my second time at the conference and I feel the same way. I don't want to compare myself to others but it just sneaks into my thoughts. Pretty sure that's the way the Enemy keeps us from stepping up to be all that God wants us to be!
ReplyDeleteTammie @ living3368