Full Circle {Happy Birthday to the Girl Who Undid Me}

It was a year ago in the wee smalls that they laid you on my chest. I sang that song that I had hummed and danced for nine months with you growing beneath my heart. The midwife asked what it was, what those notes strung together all added up to in song. I ignored her and kept singing. I only needed one person in that room to know what that song was and that person was in my arms wide-eyed.

You made me a mama that day. Forever, I get to be your mama. You are always my daughter. This girl who had needed her own mama a million times in the previous nine months was now a daughter cradling mama herself. This past year has been harder than I ever imagined, sweeter than I could have asked for, more precious than I could have guessed and a balm to this daughter's heart. Your life brought the death of my mama full circle and brought her life, my mama's life, so very near to my own. God is tender with the brokenhearted and He has gently wrapped in love all the pieces that were shattered and bound them up whole again.

I know that you couldn't see me that day. Vernix covered, eyes weak, but I could see you as clear as day even in the middle of the night. We always see better in retrospect. I hope someday you'll grow in grace to see a God who, from the beginning, placed you in a family that hopes in Him. With 20/20 hind sight I hope you'll see how God covered us through the storm and how He made a way when there was none and how He never fails to provide just what we need even if it isn't anything close to what we want. That night He gave your daddy and I you and you have been full of surprises and joy and wildness that just refuses to be tamed. You are everything and nothing that we expected and we know that the years will find us shaking our heads, cheering you on, sending you to your room, and dancing like fools. 

I can't wait. 

They say the average parent loses two months of sleep that first year. I've lost so much more than that to your up all nights. I am certain of that. I'm now the woman that can't sleep at night, but falls asleep in a crowded room of friends. You've turned my world upside down and even though I could use an extended coma to sure up my deficit of shut eye I've found that sleep is the least of what I've lost this past year. I've lost some of the fear that used to cling close. Last year was the first of my two years of fearlessness. I claimed you as a child who would be mothered by a mama who lives free and fearless. I thought motherhood would make this harder, scarier, but somehow it has made me have a boldness of heart I would never have dreamed. God gave me you and and your life has given me this grace. 

Happy Birthday to the girl who undid me and thanks be to God who puts us back together new.

{your mama}